Same song, new verse

I messed up. Big time. At work. And was called down to the principals office because of it. Now, it wasn't so big of a goof that I was in trouble, just I did need to know that I had done it. Simple thing, I had used a wrong criteria to send truancy letters to some students that should not have received them. I asked how to make it right and was told that it was ok, the principal would take care of it by telling parents to ignore the letter, it was a mistake. He then let me know, nicely I might add, the correct criteria so I didn't make the mistake again. He was nice, kind, and not at all accusitory and more than willing to take the blame with the irate parents. But I started crying in his office anyway.

I hate when that happens. And I hate why it happens. It happens because of you. Because of all the times in the last 23 years you have taught me that messing up equals failure. It happens because failure equals punishment. It happens because even though the principal and the vice principal were being kind, they are men and you have taught me that men cannot be trusted- especially when they are being kind. It happened because I have a job that I hate, because I have to work because I cannot trust you to take care of me and this is the job that lets me still be there for my kids. It happened because of all the tapes that run in my head when a man tells me I was wrong. No matter how many times I think I have erased those tapes, somehow you manage to put them back. And now I have to start the erasing process all over.

Someday, I will be whole and trusting again. And I will have learned a thing or two along the way. I will have quashed this facade that I don each morning as I go to fight, I mean face, the world. I will be strong and not prideful. That, too, will be because of you, but I will be the one that has earned it. And it will be mine and you will not be able to take it from me. And I will no longer be afraid of being called to the principal's office.

Families

A member of my family is in pain today. Someone close to him hurt him. This person is close to our whole family and so we are all in pain as well. Brothers, sisters, in laws, children, all of us. We all hurt and go to sleep wishing it wasn't the truth and then wake up momentarily forgetting. But then it all comes rushing back and it is there in all of it's stark reality and the pain and hurt come rushing back.

But there is another side to this story. The one that did the hurting is in pain and is hurting as well. This was not a malicious, uncaring act. No, it was a response to pain and hurt and sadness that this person has had to deal with for a long time.

The thing is, I totally understand both points of view as I have been in both positions and feel the pain of both of them. Part of me wants to shake this person and say "Are you kidding me!!! What are you thinking? Snap out of it and straighten up!"

However, I know the place this person is in their life and that part of me wants to envelope them in a hug and cry with them and let them know how much I love them. I want to help and support and take care. And a tiny part of me wants to cheer them on for the action they are taking.

For this reason, I am so glad that we are a family and will pull through this and that sometimes, love is enough.

Because of me.

Here are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You"
I copied them from Letitsing.com


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


I chose the words "Because of You" as the title of this blog, because so often in life things happen to us that we do not choose. They happen because of the choices of someone else and we are left to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. We are left to mop up the messes, clean up the chaos, or just try our best to get through what is left for us. I felt that this song captures that feeling exactly.

How often are the choices that we make because of the choices that someone else made first?
For instance: I do not spend a lot of time going to ward social activities. This is not because I am anti-social, but because my spouse is so wonderful and loving and gracious to everyone in the ward. However, if I or one of the kids has said something that he finds "wrong", we then get in trouble when we get home. It is just easier to stay home. Is that a right or wrong choice on my part? I don't know. It is not easy to deal with everyone at the function telling me how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Or their thanks for me "letting him help them" or.... you get the idea. What to say- "Oh, you are so right. I always dreamed of a controlling, manipulating, abusive spouse. I am so lucky I got that." Or just smile and everyone thinks you are a snob because you don't participate in discussions.

You see how it works? Because of you.

But I am also a big believer of ownership in your life. So that means that I have to own my part in this relationship. So what is my ownership? Well, for one, I allowed it to happen in the first place without speaking up for myself. I stopped going to functions and stopped being myself but tried to become who he wanted. The biggest thing I did? I let him back into my life again and placed myself and my children back there. But that is going to change and mine and my children's lives will be different- Because of me.

Last day

This weekend it happened. That one day of the year that I hate and hope I don't notice. The day the sunlight changes. It always happens after Aug. 15. So I spend my days in Aug. busy. I keep myself as busy as I can hoping that one day I will look up and it will be Sept. or Oct. and I won't have noticed the light change.

It never works.

This past Saturday was hot and muggy and a bit cloudy and then it rained. Sunday was cloudy all day so it appeared dark. Then Monday I looked out the window at school and dang it- I noticed the angle of the light from the sun was a bit lower, a bit darker. I hate that because that means the depression is coming. This is how it starts, Noticeing the light change and fell a little switch inside turn and then a darkness seems to creep up and start to envelpe me and I am caught and everything seems worse than it really is. And I am tired. So, so tired. So tired that I just want to hibernate. I wonder if this is the same thing that triggers that instinct in animals. Too bad I can't sleep off all the weight the way the animals do.

It lasts, gripping me in its deep darkness until that magical day in December that the light starts to shift back. Dec. 21. The day that is the shortests in the year. I watch the shadows each day after this as they last longer and longer and it takes longer for the sun to set. And then it is April, we change the clocks forward and the switch switches again. The darkness lets go of it's death grip and I can breath again.

**** My depression is mostly situational and if my life circumstances were different the ever present depression would leave. However, the winter time SAD (seasonal affictive disorder) would still be there. There is just not enough light in Utah during the winter. I just have to make sure that I am in the sunshine as much a possible.

Sunday meetings

Sometimes I hate Sunday meetings. Now don't get me wrong, I have a testimony of the truthfullness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, but sometime I just have hard time sitting through the meetings without wanting to scream that people need to get real.

Take today for example. Today the speakers spoke about attitude and how we make our lives what they are by the things we say and do. The sister that spoke was thin (even though she has three small children under the age of 5), her hair was perfect, her clothes were perfect, she was cute and perky and all smiles and giggled at the lame jokes her husband made. Then as she is giving her talk she states, "If you are sad or things are not as you want them to be, then just decided that that is not what you want and decide to be happy and put a smile on your face and you will be happy."

I really wanted to choke her at this point. If that was all it takes to be happy, then why am I not happy? Why was there another sister in the bathroom after sacramen meeting crying big heaping sobs because she is not happy? We both paste the fake smiles on our faces and pretend to the world that all is right in our homes. Then why are we not happy? I won't go into the deal with the sister in the bathroom, because that is hers to do, but we have had the same discussion before (and in the bathroom after sacrament meeting no less among other places). But I know why I am not happy and it is NOT my fault.

I know another person that was having a problem with depression due to overwhelming life circumstances. She used some medicine for a bit and it helped but was then able to use an herbal remedy. She said she was amazed when she woke up feeling like her old self. That caused me to ponder- it has been so long since I have seen my "old self" that I do not know that I would recognize her if I saw her. Do you know her? Would you describe her to me so that when, if ever, she shows up I will know it is her?

So why am I unhappy. Life choices and most of them not mine. The biggest bad choice that I made was in who I married and that has caused all the rest of it. He is not a righteous man. He is a liar and a good one at that, obviously, I fell for it twice. If I could see a way out, I would take it. But the way out has to not harm my children. There in lies the problem. Why should they have to pay for my mistake in letting this evil man back into my life?

Enough rambling about this, I will probably revisit it as I post in the future, but right now what I want to say is this. I mostly hate Sundays when the meetings are all about faking it through life with a plastic smile. I just don't relate to people that are happy. I don't know what that feels like. I don't know what it feels like to love my husband, or want to be around him, or to enjoy him, or to miss him when he is gone. I want to feel that sometime before I die {I just don't want it to be this man}. I also believe that pasting a smile on and faking it are not what the atoinment is all about.

I believe that Jesus Christ atoined for me personally. Not just for my sins an missteps, but for my sadness and depression as well. For my loneliness, my sorrow, my broken heart, my inability to care whether this person I live with dies or not, for my fear when this man decides it is time to punish me for something I did or did not do, for the fact that I have not slept in 22 years. He atoined for my feelings of apathy toward, no let's be honest, my feelings of pure hate towards this man that is the father of my children. For the angry, spiteful, mean words that come out of my mouth when he is around. (anyone that knows me well, would be shocked to hear them).

And because I know that He is my Lord and Savior and that He willingly atoined for me for all of these things, I know that someday I will be able to be happy. I will be able to know what joy really is, because I cannot believe that He nor my Father in Heaven would want me to feel this way forever- that in my opinion is what Hell is. So for this purpose- that He loves me and wants me to be happy- I suffer through the perky, paste a smile on meetings. And if I cover the back of the program with doodles of flowers- well, I am in the meeting and my children are in the habit of attending.

And then you get to go to Relief Society and the dearest, sweetest 84 yr. old woman gives the lesson and tells you before hand how afraid of standing in front of all the women she is. She reads a poem that she wrote when she was younger about her sadness. She makes it all worth it and you get to give her a big hug and she tells you she loves you. Then she gives you a cookie.