Thursday, September 6, 2007

Because of me.

Here are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You"
I copied them from Letitsing.com


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


I chose the words "Because of You" as the title of this blog, because so often in life things happen to us that we do not choose. They happen because of the choices of someone else and we are left to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. We are left to mop up the messes, clean up the chaos, or just try our best to get through what is left for us. I felt that this song captures that feeling exactly.

How often are the choices that we make because of the choices that someone else made first?
For instance: I do not spend a lot of time going to ward social activities. This is not because I am anti-social, but because my spouse is so wonderful and loving and gracious to everyone in the ward. However, if I or one of the kids has said something that he finds "wrong", we then get in trouble when we get home. It is just easier to stay home. Is that a right or wrong choice on my part? I don't know. It is not easy to deal with everyone at the function telling me how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Or their thanks for me "letting him help them" or.... you get the idea. What to say- "Oh, you are so right. I always dreamed of a controlling, manipulating, abusive spouse. I am so lucky I got that." Or just smile and everyone thinks you are a snob because you don't participate in discussions.

You see how it works? Because of you.

But I am also a big believer of ownership in your life. So that means that I have to own my part in this relationship. So what is my ownership? Well, for one, I allowed it to happen in the first place without speaking up for myself. I stopped going to functions and stopped being myself but tried to become who he wanted. The biggest thing I did? I let him back into my life again and placed myself and my children back there. But that is going to change and mine and my children's lives will be different- Because of me.

7 comments:

~paulette said...

hi sandra
...um... i don't really know you yet, but you just stopped by my blog and left a comment... so, i'd thought i'd come see you in return.

but when i started reading the top post "Because of me", my hands started to shake. LITERALLY, for the last 2 hours, i've been in tears because of something someone else has done. I've been praying my little head off trying to understand why it hurts so much to help others in need... so, when your comment came along, i used it as a distraction, and i was NOT expecting what i read. It's kindof scary, really... i mean, how the heck did you know??? who told you? (just teasing) but you get the idea.

if you don't mind, i'm going to print your post off, and re-read it a few times. i don't know exactly what i'm suppose to be learning from your words yet, or how i'm suppose to impliment them to my situation... but this is waaaaayyyy too coincidental to ignore.

weird...
but thank you

...what made you stop by my blog anyways? just curious now. does this happen to you a lot???

Sandra said...

Hi Paulette,
I found your blog through Karlene's blog that you left a comment on this morning. I was checking in with her and read your comments and wandered over.
I really should have been working, but I was taking a break.

I have debated a couple of days about today's blog, and something told me to go ahead and publish it. So... there you go. All my life that is the way it has been.

Maybe that will be a blog ;)

Anna Maria Junus said...

Sandra,

I stopped by because you left a comment on one of my blogs.

I was where you are now. I know exactly how you feel. I had people tell me how lucky I was that my husband was so helpful for the kids and that he must really love me.

What they didn't know, is that it was all show.

I know, Sandra. I really do know.

And yes, it is easier to stay home than suffer the humiliation and abuse that you will go through afterward.

Please stop by my blogs more often. I'd like to keep in touch.

And I love that song too.

Josi said...

Wow, beautiful post, Sandra. I'm rooting for you!

Shellie said...

You go girl!

Sherry said...

Christine, this is a wonderful blog, and you never cease to amaze me.
Sandy, I enjoyed your post, and I too have felt a strong link to this song, until the day my husband died. Since that time, I had to struggle with so many common emotions that a young mother must handle when faced with such a loss.
The last year has been a blur challenging my identity snd very faith to who I actually am. Nothing seems to penetrate the darkness like music. Certain songs have managed to pierce my soul more than others. Carrie Underwood's "So Small", and Rascal Flatt's "What Hurts The Most" and "God Blessed The Broken Road" are each songs that are in their own way helping me to release years of built up pain and fear, and helping me to continue to feel these things, until they no longer have power over me.
On good days I entertain the possibility that maybe one day I can wake up to a feeling of happiness or well-being. Unfortunately good days are still few and far between. Never the less, I will not give up, and continue to listen to music to help me feel the things I can not always express on my own. Certain hymns are also a comfort. "I Need Thee"

Sherry said...

Christine, this is a wonderful blog, and you never cease to amaze me.
Sandy, I enjoyed your post, and I too have felt a strong link to this song, until the day my husband died. Since that time, I had to struggle with so many common emotions that a young mother must handle when faced with such a loss.
The last year has been a blur challenging my identity snd very faith to who I actually am. Nothing seems to penetrate the darkness like music. Certain songs have managed to pierce my soul more than others. Carrie Underwood's "So Small", and Rascal Flatt's "What Hurts The Most" and "God Blessed The Broken Road" are each songs that are in their own way helping me to release years of built up pain and fear, and helping me to continue to feel these things, until they no longer have power over me.
On good days I entertain the possibility that maybe one day I can wake up to a feeling of happiness or well-being. Unfortunately good days are still few and far between. Never the less, I will not give up, and continue to listen to music to help me feel the things I can not always express on my own. Certain hymns are also a comfort. "I Need Thee"