Monday, September 17, 2007

Families

A member of my family is in pain today. Someone close to him hurt him. This person is close to our whole family and so we are all in pain as well. Brothers, sisters, in laws, children, all of us. We all hurt and go to sleep wishing it wasn't the truth and then wake up momentarily forgetting. But then it all comes rushing back and it is there in all of it's stark reality and the pain and hurt come rushing back.

But there is another side to this story. The one that did the hurting is in pain and is hurting as well. This was not a malicious, uncaring act. No, it was a response to pain and hurt and sadness that this person has had to deal with for a long time.

The thing is, I totally understand both points of view as I have been in both positions and feel the pain of both of them. Part of me wants to shake this person and say "Are you kidding me!!! What are you thinking? Snap out of it and straighten up!"

However, I know the place this person is in their life and that part of me wants to envelope them in a hug and cry with them and let them know how much I love them. I want to help and support and take care. And a tiny part of me wants to cheer them on for the action they are taking.

For this reason, I am so glad that we are a family and will pull through this and that sometimes, love is enough.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Because of me.

Here are the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You"
I copied them from Letitsing.com


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


I chose the words "Because of You" as the title of this blog, because so often in life things happen to us that we do not choose. They happen because of the choices of someone else and we are left to deal with the repercussions of those decisions. We are left to mop up the messes, clean up the chaos, or just try our best to get through what is left for us. I felt that this song captures that feeling exactly.

How often are the choices that we make because of the choices that someone else made first?
For instance: I do not spend a lot of time going to ward social activities. This is not because I am anti-social, but because my spouse is so wonderful and loving and gracious to everyone in the ward. However, if I or one of the kids has said something that he finds "wrong", we then get in trouble when we get home. It is just easier to stay home. Is that a right or wrong choice on my part? I don't know. It is not easy to deal with everyone at the function telling me how lucky I am to have such a great husband. Or their thanks for me "letting him help them" or.... you get the idea. What to say- "Oh, you are so right. I always dreamed of a controlling, manipulating, abusive spouse. I am so lucky I got that." Or just smile and everyone thinks you are a snob because you don't participate in discussions.

You see how it works? Because of you.

But I am also a big believer of ownership in your life. So that means that I have to own my part in this relationship. So what is my ownership? Well, for one, I allowed it to happen in the first place without speaking up for myself. I stopped going to functions and stopped being myself but tried to become who he wanted. The biggest thing I did? I let him back into my life again and placed myself and my children back there. But that is going to change and mine and my children's lives will be different- Because of me.