Signs*

Did you know that one in eight women will be abused in her lifetime?
Did you know that there is no social, ethnic, cultual, religious, or financial boundary that defines an abuse victim?
Did you know that not all abused women are ugly, uneducated, weak, shy but that most of them used to be described as smart, funny, strong, well-liked, confident, pretty, beautiful, happy?

Did you know that while there is no single trait to make one vunerable to abuse, there are some common factors?

• Growing up with an abusive or domneering parent (while a major factor it does NOT mean she has to spend her life in abusive relationships)
• Physical or emotional distance from family and friends
• Low self-esteem and/or chronic depression
• Strong desire or need to be in a relationship
• Almost blind trust of others; sees only good in people
• Shyness or timidity
• Insecurities abaout self nd abilities
• Feelings of loneliness or a fear of being alone
• Kind-heartedness, especially toward unpopular or unwanted people
• Avoidance of making own decisions
• Strong belief that the man is the "head of the household"
• Recent traumatic experience such as a death of a loved one
• Sense of perfectionism-- always wanting to be and do their best

A woman can go from the happy, cheerful, outgoing person she has always been to the scared, timid, lonely person in just a matter of a few short weeks. However it usually takes longer for friends and family to see how serious the situation is. The sooner the signs are noticed, the sooner intervention can happen. There are some common characteristics to look for.

She:

• Suddenly changes her dress/appearance
• Avoids contact with friends or family
• Suddenly changes behavior; stops doing things she used to enjoy
• Spends all of her free time with him
• Cries a lot over insignificant things; has trouble focusing on normal tasks
• Complains abaout her abuser but gets defensive when someone else does
• Believes she is the cause of the anger/violence
• Feels guilty about the relationship
• Is stressed often with physical symptoms
• Accepts violence or anger as normal or denes that it exists
• Panics when asked to make a decision or give opinion, especially about the abuser
• Fears worse violence or death if she leaves
• Holds to the "good times" and believes that is who the abuser really is

Because you can't determine if a woman is being abused by one single test, you must look for things to tell you what is going on. Look for changes in her behavior, mannerisms, and feelings. These are good warning signs. Pay attention to how you feel. If you feel that something is wrong, it probably is.

*Taken from the book "Not Another Sarah" by Sarah E. Southerland ch. 25

This is the hardest post of the abuse types to write. I have left it to last because of this. (I also needed to wait until he was out of town. This form of abuse has affected me more than any of the others.

Unless stated otherwise, this post is taken directly from the book, Not Another Sarah pgs 133-134

Sexual abuse is the least reported but most insidious form of abuse, and often has the most devastating effects. It arouses powerful feelings that are then distorted and manipulated to make the victim feel guilty. Sexual abuse leaves horrible feelings of shame and mistrust that often inhibit a victim's ability to maintain a close relationship (physically intimate or not) wih another person. The scars of sexual abuse frequently linger far beyond any physical injuries and go beyond damaged self-esteem. It may take years before a victi is able to recognize and understand the distorted feelings and perceptions she carries in response, and even then it often requires specialized counseling to create a healthy understanding of intimacy and sex.
An abuser will seek to maintain control over the victim through:

• Forcing or pressuring her to have sex
• Stimulating sexual felings within her through unwanted touching
• Pinching, slapping, grabbing or poking her breasts and genitals
• Forcing her to view pornography
• Degrading or ctiticizing her sexual ability and/or body parts
• Using sex as a manipulation, punishment,reward or argument
• Forcing her to participate in perverted, unusual or painful sexual activities

End of quotes from the book. The rest of this post is mine.

I married a man that was victimized by a neighbor when he was 6. I didn't know about that until 18-20 years after the marriage. I did, however, know that his father gave him pornographic materials when he was 12. I was young and thought that marriage and love could overcome his addiction to porn and sex. How very wrong I was. It has now become his favorite abuse form.

Some examples of his early abuse: he would get up in the night and go to his hidden stash of porn and then come back and undress me while I slept. I would wake up to him doing this. I then had to finish what he started or he would wake the baby with his anger and keep me awake until he got what he wanted.

He left me alone with 5 kids under the age of 8, me pregnant, sick with toxemia unable to get out of bed without going into premature labor and/or dying while he went to a strip club.

He has snuck into the bathroom while I was showering and took a picture over the shower rod. I happened to tip my head back to rinse my hair just as he did this, so I was able to confenscate the camera and delete the picture.

If it is the weekend, you can be sure there will be a fight about sex and how I "have to give it to him because he wants it" If he has been viewing his favorite sights it can get bad fast. When I say no, he starts pressuring and threatining and getting more and more angry. If you have ever seen an addict in the throws of needing a fix, then you can imagine his anger and lust at this moment. He will do and say anything to get what he wants. If he is just arguing and pleading, then I ignore him and go about my day. It is when his need for a fix turns him angry that I cannot ignore it because he will take it out on the kids.

I really really hate it because I am the one that ends up hurt, angry, defiled, sad and I feel like a common prostitute, except without the money to show for it. I know that there are many that will ask again- why do you stay? But that is again, a private matter between me and the Lord. There is a reason, I don't have to like it, but He (the Lord) helps me to make it bearable until I can leave.

I say often how much I hate men, how horrible they are and that once free of this marriage I would never marry again. But in my heart I know that is not true. I love men and know that many are kind and good. It is this one part of a new marriage that scares me the most because I am used to being compared to the perfect airbrushed women.

He attended a meeting for sexual addicts for about 3 months as a condition of him being able to come back into my life. He then decided that he wasn't like those men, he wouldn't do the homework assigned, and then he just quit going because he was "cured". I could tell for a long time that he was not "doing anything" but the stress and tension was very strong. I could also tell as soon as the viewing of porn started again. And then about 2 weeks ago I walked in the bedroom and he slammed his laptop shut. After some "discussion" he opened it to let me see what he was "working" on. He tried to turn it off before I could see, but I finally had the proof that I needed. No longer is it my word against his. I feel that the time for leaving is close now.

As Sarah stated, this is the most under reported type of abuse. For me it is because we are married and those that you report it to don't always believe that it is abuse. Police often say that it is just the wife being angry at her husband and using this as a way to get back. Often times a councelor will say that the wife has issues and needs to stop using not having sex as a way to get back at her husband or as a way to control him. Even bishops do not understand this problem. They don't understand how a man that goes to church and helps so many in the congregation could be doing something that is horrible and then the wife gets blamed and told to change her attitude. And then we are the victim all over again and so we stop talking.

But when we stop talking, we allow the abuse to keep growing. I have learned that I need to document every incident, tell whomever I need to tell (parents, bishop, friends). Educate myself and pray, pray, pray. I know that this is wrong, I know that it is not about me even though it affects me and my children. I also know that it does not have to continue and that he will be held accountable for it. As soon as the things that I am putting in place are there, I will leave. And it will be ok.

Physical Abuse

When we think of abuse, physical abuse it what usually comes to mine. However, this type of abuse is actually the second most common type of abuse, emotional being the first most common. The amount and kind of physical abuse varies from perpetrator to perpetrator as well as incident to incident. It can be as simple as a slap or push or as complicated as using a weapon. The whole point of this type of abuse is to control the victim. When the abuser feels out of control, violence is used to scare the victim into submission. If the yelling and threatining will do the job, then fine, but if not, then violence can occur. And the harder it is to get the victim to fall into line, then the more the violence will escalate. The violence usually gets worse the longer the victim stays in the relationship.

I believed for a long time that I did not have this type of abuse in my life. I thought that I could just deal with the words and ignore him. However, he would use physical abuse on the children. Again, for a long time I felt that it was just because that was what was modeled in his home growing up and if I could just be patient and teach him other ways it would change. This kind of thinking is common in victims. I didn't see that this was another way of his controlling not only the children but me as well. I took over all parenting so as to keep him from hurting the children. I, essentially, became a single parent until something would make him angry- and we never knew what it would be.

One Sunday we were attending Stake Conference. I was at the end of the row and he was at the other end with the children between us. One of the boys, E, was fidgeting and sorta bugging the brother next to him. I kept trying to catch E's eye to get him to stop. It was not a big deal, but definately not the perfect, wonderful, no problem picture that we were supposed to present to the public. I saw my husband stiffen up and the look of pure rage on his face was something that I had never seen in public before. I remember thinking, "Too bad we are sitting clear back here in the overflow where it is dark and no one can see him." He grabbed E by the arm and whispered something to him. Later when we got home, I took out the camera and took pictures of the bruises he left on E's arm. I sent copies to my parents for safe keeping and gave a copy to my bishop (who just brushed it off).

Another thing that he has done is throwing of things. One evening he got angry, opened one of my drawers and threw things all over the room while he was screaming at me. That was the first time the police were called to my home for domestic violence. I am not proud to say that it occured after 22 years of enduring this type of abuse. Another time he threw my pillow out of the bed when I asked him to please scoot over so I could get in. It hit my jewlery holder on top of the dresser and my earring went flying all over the room. Many were broken beyond repair, many were twisted and bent. And there is one, my most favorite 14k gold studs that I have had since I was 13 that I still to this day cannot find one of. He has never apologized and in fact told me that I probably threw the earring away so I could blame him.

He has taken my purse, my wallet, my driver's license. He has jerked the phone out of my hand, disabled the line, hung up the phone while I am on it, so that I cannot call for help. The night the police came, they told him that that was a felony and he could go to jail if he ever did it again.

Here are some examples of physical abuse:
again taken from the book "Not Another Sarah"

• Kicking, punching, hitting, and slapping
• Shaking, shoving, and pulling
• Cutting hair, skin, or other body parts
• Throwing things at or on her
• Preventing her frm leaving and/or getting help
• Using weapons in an attempt to gain control
• anyting that is intended to cause her pain or discomfort in an attempt to control her.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing these things, get help immediately. (I will address how to help someone you love in a future post)

Again, you may wonder why I am still here when I know what is going on. Again, there is a reason, I am just not sure what it is just yet.

I have had some response from these posts and some new resources that I will beging posting in the sidebar.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

"We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children." (The Family; A Proclaimation to the World)



You know when you are little how you dream of your wedding day? The dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids and you plan and refine and everything is perfect? Then you play dress-up and house and again everything is perfect? Too bad all that playing and practicing doesn't carry over into reality.



You see, for me marriage and family life has been nothing short of hell on earth. Without going into details, he is a bully, an addictive personality and a wounded soul not willing to look at himself and change. The sad part? I no longer care. I used to care. I used to want to help, to try, to do whatever it took to make things work, or better, or whatever. Now? I just don't care. And that makes me really sad because I really am a kind, caring, loving person.



Now, I don't want to lay all blame at his feet because in response to his faults, all of mine are magnified, and they are not pretty. The worst part of all of this is that it is the children that suffer the most. I want them to experience a loving, safe family life where home is a refuge, a safe haven, a place to get away from the stresses of earth life.



I divorced him once. But after being apart for about a year, he made some promises and looked like he had made changes and I was suckered back into his web of lies and deceptions and re-married him. It was mere weeks before I realized that nothing had changed. My mom told me that she realized that I must have still had some feelings of love for him when I married him again.



About 5 months after the wedding, he had an aneurysm. I rearranged my life- work, school, children- to take care of him. I spent 4 months and all of our savings nursing him back to health. And I realized that I just did not care anymore. I no longer cared if he was in pain, or hungry, or hot, or cold or tired or....... I just did not care. Everyone told me that by taking care of him that way my love for him would only grow and be stronger. But it did not. All it did was drain our finances, grow our debt and make me realize how much I did not care.



So why am I telling you all this? Because I really do still believe in happily ever after. The other day I had the bishop give me a blessing. I was having some health concerns and just needed some help coping with that. That was all I asked for, a healing blessing for a specific concern that I was having. However, during the blessing, the bishop blessed me with some other things that I had been concerned with- one of which regarded this situation. Without going into the details, because they are special and sacred to me, I know that everything will work out ok. Actually more than ok. In fact, I am going to get to live happily ever after after all. I don't know all the details and timelines and all of that. What I do know, though is this: Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. He knows how unhappy I am. And scared. And tired. And He cares. And it will be ok.

I wrote this post and could not figure out why on earth I would put this out there for any and all to see. So I saved it in the draft section and decided that when I figured it out, I would post it. I have decided that the reason I wrote it was not to get any pity or "I feel sorry for you" comments, because I don't want them. But I have decided that the reason I wrote it is so that I can now do a series of posting on things I have learned in the last 20+ years. Things I would not know otherwise but things I need to know in order to do what I need to do here on earth. Things need to help others navigate life. I also want to write some on relationship abuse- verbal, mental, emotional, physical. These are also things I did not know and now have an intimate knowledge of. Moreso than any text book could help me understand. And this knowledge has serve me well in my chosen profession of helping others. Girls always say to me, "How did you know I was feeling _________?" Because I know. So, here we go. Some of these posts will be easy and clinical, some will be hard for me to write and some hard to read, but I am feeling that they need to be.

A Great Place To Be

by Christine Thackeray

It is amazing how we are "guided" to some people. I recently moved to Oregon and within a few weeks felt comfortable with a circle of new friends. But then this woman who seldom comes to church accosted me in the grocery store. I had been wanting to go walking and she mentioned it and before long we began walking together every morning. It was an odd match because our backgrounds and personalities were as different as two could be, but we have become the best of friends- I just love her. We really exercise our jaws as much as our legs every morning and laugh that we have become each other's therapists.

One morning I was telling her about an old friend that I had met unexpectedly. I honestly felt like I had been guided to find her. That's when Sonja laughed and told me how we really met. That morning that I was shopping, she had noticed me almost an hour before we spoke but didn't want to talk to me. She thought I was one of those perfect "Molly Mormons" and tried to stay out of my way, but every time she would turn down another aisle I would be there. She said that she even tried to go out of order and I was still there. Finally she said to herself, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'll talk to her once, but that's it." Now we see each other every morning and it's great.

Meeting Sandra was like that for me. I recently started a blog and often check my few comments. Sandra visited and left a brief note but something in it touched me. When I checked her profile, I was really impressed- and then I read this blog and really wanted to be part of it. I'm so looking forward to getting to know Sandra better and to sharing my experiences in facing challenges, healing from emotional and systemic physical wounds, clarifying the extent of our personal power for change and sometimes simply surviving until "the thorn in our side" is removed.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'll tell you a little about me. I grew up in a loving home. My parents had twelve children and I was in the middle. I had an older brother who tortured me with the typical annoyances of an older brother, nothing horrible, but hurtful. As a teenager we moved to a ward where I was blacklisted partly because my brother didn't want me going to the same parties as him and partly because I had become friends with a girl whose best friend was terribly jealous. When my only friend moved away, I spent the next two years as the brunt of everyone's jokes at church and it still hurts to think of it. We moved but the family of the girl that had been so unkind moved down the street. We were civil and spent a lot of time together but it was difficult. When I got ready to go to BYU, her mother came to me and begged me to be her roommate. I felt obligated to say yes (AHHH! I was a total spineless victim- never be that!) Within a few weeks everyone on the floor of our dorm thought I was Methusala based on the gossip sessions of my roommate and I flunked out of my first year of school.

The saddest part is that I think I brought out the worst in a wonderful girl. It is like when you meet a child that is really ticklish and has a funny laugh, so you love to tickle them because the response is so satisfying. But if you tickle them too much, it is torture. Well, I think I had too many irresistable buttons that upset me and it was so easy to get a response that neither one of us improved by our relationship together.

What is tragic is that the emotional injury of that relationship haunted me for years. I always felt that no one really accepted me and were saying things behind my back because for so many years they were. I always related to the abused and outcasts because that is how I identified myself. And the worst part is that my parents thought those feelings were ridiculous because I had been raised in a wonderful, happy family and been given every privilege.

Today I'm grateful. My heart is filled with empathy and my life is filled with joy. I married a Rancher turned Engineer who is my emotional rock and puts up with all my quirks. He endures the laundry mountains and dirty dishes that get stacked up because I choose to fill my life with creative pursuits or silly expeditions. But with all of that, the Lord keeps sending me challenges. I've had to deal with loss, grief and numerous health issues like CMV, PFS (bad knees), chronic fatigue and fibro myalgia. Yuck. Through friends and those I've served I have been deeply involved with anxiety, depression, suicide, severe abuse and addiction.

So women's health issues have become my hobby and I had hoped my post-baby career. I planned on attending medical school as soon as my youngest went to kindergarten but got called as Relief Society President the day I enrolled in pre-requisite classes. Then I moved and got a part-time job at a local university so I could get free tuition as I pursued my doctorate in Psych, but again I went to the temple the day before I was to begin and felt black inside. When I told Greg, my husband, he encouraged me to listen to the Spirit. I quit and a few days later my sister approached me with a manuscript she was working on. I editted it and it was accepted for publication. She convinced me to send in an old novel that I had given up on and it was accepted too. So I suppose this new path was meant to be and that path has taken me here.

Sandra, I'm thrilled with the opportunity and can't wait to meet all of you.