By Christine Thackeray
Have you ever had an earth-shattering impression to do something that you just ignored? I've had many but this week one of those impressions reawakened and I'm not going to let it fall away this time. I'm going to wrap my arms around it and get it done.
About a year after the birth of my fifth child I went crazy. I had had a couple of early term miscarriages and my hormones were totally out of whack. I could feel it. I was laughing and crying at the same time every day all day for no apparent reason and I basically couldn't function. It was not pretty. One day I called my doctor's group frantic and asked for an immediate appointment. They sent me to their new nurse practitioner who in retrospect should have her license revoked. (I LOVE some nurse practitioners- it was just this woman.) When I told her my problem and that I felt like my hormones weren't readjusting, she told me the answer to everything was anti-depressants and that there were no side effects whatsoever. She said it was the best medicine ever created, and all I needed in order to take this secret to joy was a pregnancy test.
Well, I failed. I was barely pregnant (by two days) so I got an appointment with my normal doctor who told me that my hormones weren't adjusting properly and gave me some progesterone cream to help. Within a few weeks I was back to my semi-normal self and it felt great. That same year I had a visiting teaching companion who had a mean husband and a son on drugs. She separated with him and was trying her hardest to save this wayward son while singly raising four other demanding children but the oldest was becoming more and more violent. It was tearing her apart, as it would any mother. One day she came over to my house with a huge smile on her face. She had been to see a new doctor who told her that her only problem was that she was depressed and gave her medication. I remember her smiling and saying how wonderful her life was going to be now that she was not sad anymore. Her son was still in jail, her husband was still refusing to divorce her because while they were only separated he didn't have to pay child support, she still had no job and four other difficult children. It is right that she should still capture joy in her relationship with the Lord, in her personal accomplishments and in her role as a mother but it is OK for her to be justifiably upset, sad and fearful about her situation- it is called being normal.
I met another woman that I adored. As a young mother she struggled with feelings of inadequacy and perfectionism. On the advice of her physician she began taking a low dose of antidepressants and they helped take the edge off. She goes off them in the spring summer and goes back in the cold months and has been very grateful for a medicine that has allowed her to keep her emotions and mental stability in check. Another friend after suffering childhood abuse has found great relief with medication, while making use of a light box for seasonal issues and a careful diet to offset blood sugar-induced mood swings. She has built a stable foundation and has been able to function despite the neurological scarring of a difficult childhood.
Through these experiences and others I felt so strongly that depression be not better understood but better EXPLAINED. Normal, healthy people should and do feel depressed when they encounter huge obstacles. Depression like elation, anxiety, excitement, concern, fear and contentment are normal emotional states all humans will encounter in their lifetime. If you are in a tough marriage, if you have a child who is rebellious, if you have lost a friend or relative to death, if you are under constant pressure, a normal reaction is for your body to shut down so that you can recover. This shutting down can be different for different people but the lack of will or joy, the inability to make decisions and the desire to isolate or withdraw are typical. Sometimes the sadness can be so extreme that a person wants to cease to exist or to hurt themselves just to feel something. If these thoughts persist, it is imperative they seek professional help. But for the others who find themselves in this abyss, medication is only one option and won't fix the other stressors or triggers causing the depression. Like putting a band-aid over a splinter, the offending matter will only fester until it must be dealt with eventually.
On the other hand, genetically some people are neurologically fragile, some are scarred by abuse and others have experienced depression so many times from external sources that even after those stressors are relieved, their minds repeat this state of emotion on its own. There are also over seventeen true medical conditions that imitate depression.
Each person may find a different answer for coping with their individual struggle. Though their answers may be very different, one thing I truly believe is the path to finding those answers is the same. If they seek with the Spirit, they will find the doctor or the article or the principle that will help them. But really that is the easy part. The true struggle begins after you've figured out the cure, because for most mental health issues, the remedy is a process, not an event. Whether it is changing bad habits, shifting negative scripting either in a relationship or in their own head, creating barriers that keep you safe on the path to healing, breaking the chains of addictions, diet, exercise, medication or herbal supplements, all of them take time to implement and relief only comes with consistency, which stands at the complete opposite corner of reality than the depressed psyche. It's hard stuff but it is so worth it because when you are on task, you can tell you are your best self.
After all this, I guess the bottom line is I really want to organize and prepare a clear premise for dealing with depression through gospel principles. So when we face depression, we are empowered. We need to seek to figure out the source of our feelings and then assess if it is something we can cope with by means of diet, exercise or increased positive experiences in our life or do we need more help through counselling or medication.
I look forward to Sandra's relationship insights, working with feelings and thoughts from the inside out but I also think we need to keep our eyes open from the outside in and figure out what these experiences can teach us We also need to discover how we can increase our ability to be healed by using the gifts of the gospel of Christ because I believe that is what it is for.
Showing posts with label Christine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christine. Show all posts
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
A New Definition to Self-Mastery
I confess! I was listening to Dr. Laura the other day in the car. She mentioned how dogs often take emotional cues from their masters, just as kids may be afraid of something because their parents have "warned" them it will be scary. The idea of taking cues from our "masters" and subconsciously mirroring those feelings sort of stuck with me.
We just returned from a trip and getting back into the swing of things has been stressful. My husband has been irritable, short-tempered and no fun to be around as he has had to deal with making up for all the work that has stockpiled while he was away. Yesterday I was so weepy and I couldn't understand why I was so down until I stopped and put one and one together. I was personalizing so much of my husband's stress, just like the dog taking cues from his master.
I thought of teens who get pulled into behaviors they wouldn't have otherwise chosen or women that become destroyed by emotional abuse. They allow someone else to become their "master" and have undue control over what they feel.
I once saw a newscast about a woman who was kidnapped and raped for two days before she was released. The journalist questioning her asked if this would destroy her life but I remember her bravely shaking her head and saying, "This man stole two days of my life, why would I let him steal one more second." She vowed that she was going to put it behind her and live every day she had left to its fullest. For her, she was the master. That type of emotionally "self-mastery" is a powerful gift that we can each aspire to.
We just returned from a trip and getting back into the swing of things has been stressful. My husband has been irritable, short-tempered and no fun to be around as he has had to deal with making up for all the work that has stockpiled while he was away. Yesterday I was so weepy and I couldn't understand why I was so down until I stopped and put one and one together. I was personalizing so much of my husband's stress, just like the dog taking cues from his master.
I thought of teens who get pulled into behaviors they wouldn't have otherwise chosen or women that become destroyed by emotional abuse. They allow someone else to become their "master" and have undue control over what they feel.
I once saw a newscast about a woman who was kidnapped and raped for two days before she was released. The journalist questioning her asked if this would destroy her life but I remember her bravely shaking her head and saying, "This man stole two days of my life, why would I let him steal one more second." She vowed that she was going to put it behind her and live every day she had left to its fullest. For her, she was the master. That type of emotionally "self-mastery" is a powerful gift that we can each aspire to.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Creating Happiness when Life doesn't bring it Naturally
By Christine Thackeray
A few months ago we went to a "Bunko" party. Bunko is a lot like Yahtzee- it is all luck. The luckiest people at throwing dice move up and the unlucky ones move down. It should be a totally random process but surprisingly its not. The same people including my husband seemed to be constantly at the front table and I with a few other pathetic individuals spent the night at the dregs. It was humbling but enlightening.
As we left for the evening some of the people at the last table had great fun, no pressure, only felt they could go up from there, where as one woman was truly upset and felt like she was a total loser. (I'm not going to tell you which was me.)
Too often life is like that night playing Bunko or like the parable of the talents, the lucky people get everything. Why did the Lord give the one talent to the guy that had ten and not to the one who had five. It's like some people just get all the luck- you know?
Last week I lost at the "Bunko" game of life. Our house was supposed to sell, but the buyers walked away last minute. I had a manuscript rejected for copyright and the work to fix it is going to be emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting, and some people yelled at me because I was late to an activity. My feelings were hurt and I was publically embarrassed. The next day I was totally "dish-rag woman"- depression oozed from my heart in its silent blanket of apathy. I couldn't force myself to smile or cry, I just didn't care. I didn't answer the phone and I didn't act responsibly. Knowing myself, I could stay in a "funk" like this for days if I didn't do anything. I was an empty well and it was time to fill it.
SO- (I'm proud of myself because I don't always do this) I did fun stuff all day long! I played Literati on the computer and won like five times. Then I called four of my sisters and gabbed about kids and life and I laughed! I took my son to lunch and then came home and watched a movie with my children slouched all around me. By the end of the night I was so much happier and felt I could at least begin to conquer all the mountains that had defeated me the day before.
The next morning I rolled up my sleeves and called my sister Marianna (who is practically perfect in every way.) We are writing this book together and I wanted to see how she felt about the rejection since I only emailed the info to her (and was putting off facing her because if she blamed me, I would have crumbled into nothingness.) When she answered the phone, she confessed that she was so upset about the rejections that she had spent the day reading the book, "Eclipse" to get away from it and give her brain a rest.
I thought that was totally unfair. She had figured out that sometimes when life is too much to handle, you just need to step back and feed yourself. Wow, she had figured that out and didn't even have to deal with the grumpy monster that lives in my brain. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a grumpy monster in her brain.
Hormonal shifts, neurological injury or illness aside, when our depression is triggered by externals, we need to remember we have the power to change our input. We are not trapped in a single position, being force-fed life. We can sometimes choose what to participate in to bring us back to center, where we can deal with life. If I could do that one thing better, I may never get to the point where I fall apart. That's the hope anyway.
Back to the parable of the talents in the Bible, the interesting thing that does make me happy is that the guy with ten talents and the one with only half as much both got the same reward. It is OK if we do less, as long as we do our best and sometimes that best means taking a little breather now and then.
A few months ago we went to a "Bunko" party. Bunko is a lot like Yahtzee- it is all luck. The luckiest people at throwing dice move up and the unlucky ones move down. It should be a totally random process but surprisingly its not. The same people including my husband seemed to be constantly at the front table and I with a few other pathetic individuals spent the night at the dregs. It was humbling but enlightening.
As we left for the evening some of the people at the last table had great fun, no pressure, only felt they could go up from there, where as one woman was truly upset and felt like she was a total loser. (I'm not going to tell you which was me.)
Too often life is like that night playing Bunko or like the parable of the talents, the lucky people get everything. Why did the Lord give the one talent to the guy that had ten and not to the one who had five. It's like some people just get all the luck- you know?
Last week I lost at the "Bunko" game of life. Our house was supposed to sell, but the buyers walked away last minute. I had a manuscript rejected for copyright and the work to fix it is going to be emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting, and some people yelled at me because I was late to an activity. My feelings were hurt and I was publically embarrassed. The next day I was totally "dish-rag woman"- depression oozed from my heart in its silent blanket of apathy. I couldn't force myself to smile or cry, I just didn't care. I didn't answer the phone and I didn't act responsibly. Knowing myself, I could stay in a "funk" like this for days if I didn't do anything. I was an empty well and it was time to fill it.
SO- (I'm proud of myself because I don't always do this) I did fun stuff all day long! I played Literati on the computer and won like five times. Then I called four of my sisters and gabbed about kids and life and I laughed! I took my son to lunch and then came home and watched a movie with my children slouched all around me. By the end of the night I was so much happier and felt I could at least begin to conquer all the mountains that had defeated me the day before.
The next morning I rolled up my sleeves and called my sister Marianna (who is practically perfect in every way.) We are writing this book together and I wanted to see how she felt about the rejection since I only emailed the info to her (and was putting off facing her because if she blamed me, I would have crumbled into nothingness.) When she answered the phone, she confessed that she was so upset about the rejections that she had spent the day reading the book, "Eclipse" to get away from it and give her brain a rest.
I thought that was totally unfair. She had figured out that sometimes when life is too much to handle, you just need to step back and feed yourself. Wow, she had figured that out and didn't even have to deal with the grumpy monster that lives in my brain. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a grumpy monster in her brain.
Hormonal shifts, neurological injury or illness aside, when our depression is triggered by externals, we need to remember we have the power to change our input. We are not trapped in a single position, being force-fed life. We can sometimes choose what to participate in to bring us back to center, where we can deal with life. If I could do that one thing better, I may never get to the point where I fall apart. That's the hope anyway.
Back to the parable of the talents in the Bible, the interesting thing that does make me happy is that the guy with ten talents and the one with only half as much both got the same reward. It is OK if we do less, as long as we do our best and sometimes that best means taking a little breather now and then.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
A Great Place To Be
by Christine Thackeray
It is amazing how we are "guided" to some people. I recently moved to Oregon and within a few weeks felt comfortable with a circle of new friends. But then this woman who seldom comes to church accosted me in the grocery store. I had been wanting to go walking and she mentioned it and before long we began walking together every morning. It was an odd match because our backgrounds and personalities were as different as two could be, but we have become the best of friends- I just love her. We really exercise our jaws as much as our legs every morning and laugh that we have become each other's therapists.
One morning I was telling her about an old friend that I had met unexpectedly. I honestly felt like I had been guided to find her. That's when Sonja laughed and told me how we really met. That morning that I was shopping, she had noticed me almost an hour before we spoke but didn't want to talk to me. She thought I was one of those perfect "Molly Mormons" and tried to stay out of my way, but every time she would turn down another aisle I would be there. She said that she even tried to go out of order and I was still there. Finally she said to herself, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'll talk to her once, but that's it." Now we see each other every morning and it's great.
Meeting Sandra was like that for me. I recently started a blog and often check my few comments. Sandra visited and left a brief note but something in it touched me. When I checked her profile, I was really impressed- and then I read this blog and really wanted to be part of it. I'm so looking forward to getting to know Sandra better and to sharing my experiences in facing challenges, healing from emotional and systemic physical wounds, clarifying the extent of our personal power for change and sometimes simply surviving until "the thorn in our side" is removed.
Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'll tell you a little about me. I grew up in a loving home. My parents had twelve children and I was in the middle. I had an older brother who tortured me with the typical annoyances of an older brother, nothing horrible, but hurtful. As a teenager we moved to a ward where I was blacklisted partly because my brother didn't want me going to the same parties as him and partly because I had become friends with a girl whose best friend was terribly jealous. When my only friend moved away, I spent the next two years as the brunt of everyone's jokes at church and it still hurts to think of it. We moved but the family of the girl that had been so unkind moved down the street. We were civil and spent a lot of time together but it was difficult. When I got ready to go to BYU, her mother came to me and begged me to be her roommate. I felt obligated to say yes (AHHH! I was a total spineless victim- never be that!) Within a few weeks everyone on the floor of our dorm thought I was Methusala based on the gossip sessions of my roommate and I flunked out of my first year of school.
The saddest part is that I think I brought out the worst in a wonderful girl. It is like when you meet a child that is really ticklish and has a funny laugh, so you love to tickle them because the response is so satisfying. But if you tickle them too much, it is torture. Well, I think I had too many irresistable buttons that upset me and it was so easy to get a response that neither one of us improved by our relationship together.
What is tragic is that the emotional injury of that relationship haunted me for years. I always felt that no one really accepted me and were saying things behind my back because for so many years they were. I always related to the abused and outcasts because that is how I identified myself. And the worst part is that my parents thought those feelings were ridiculous because I had been raised in a wonderful, happy family and been given every privilege.
Today I'm grateful. My heart is filled with empathy and my life is filled with joy. I married a Rancher turned Engineer who is my emotional rock and puts up with all my quirks. He endures the laundry mountains and dirty dishes that get stacked up because I choose to fill my life with creative pursuits or silly expeditions. But with all of that, the Lord keeps sending me challenges. I've had to deal with loss, grief and numerous health issues like CMV, PFS (bad knees), chronic fatigue and fibro myalgia. Yuck. Through friends and those I've served I have been deeply involved with anxiety, depression, suicide, severe abuse and addiction.
So women's health issues have become my hobby and I had hoped my post-baby career. I planned on attending medical school as soon as my youngest went to kindergarten but got called as Relief Society President the day I enrolled in pre-requisite classes. Then I moved and got a part-time job at a local university so I could get free tuition as I pursued my doctorate in Psych, but again I went to the temple the day before I was to begin and felt black inside. When I told Greg, my husband, he encouraged me to listen to the Spirit. I quit and a few days later my sister approached me with a manuscript she was working on. I editted it and it was accepted for publication. She convinced me to send in an old novel that I had given up on and it was accepted too. So I suppose this new path was meant to be and that path has taken me here.
Sandra, I'm thrilled with the opportunity and can't wait to meet all of you.
It is amazing how we are "guided" to some people. I recently moved to Oregon and within a few weeks felt comfortable with a circle of new friends. But then this woman who seldom comes to church accosted me in the grocery store. I had been wanting to go walking and she mentioned it and before long we began walking together every morning. It was an odd match because our backgrounds and personalities were as different as two could be, but we have become the best of friends- I just love her. We really exercise our jaws as much as our legs every morning and laugh that we have become each other's therapists.
One morning I was telling her about an old friend that I had met unexpectedly. I honestly felt like I had been guided to find her. That's when Sonja laughed and told me how we really met. That morning that I was shopping, she had noticed me almost an hour before we spoke but didn't want to talk to me. She thought I was one of those perfect "Molly Mormons" and tried to stay out of my way, but every time she would turn down another aisle I would be there. She said that she even tried to go out of order and I was still there. Finally she said to herself, "Okay, Heavenly Father, I'll talk to her once, but that's it." Now we see each other every morning and it's great.
Meeting Sandra was like that for me. I recently started a blog and often check my few comments. Sandra visited and left a brief note but something in it touched me. When I checked her profile, I was really impressed- and then I read this blog and really wanted to be part of it. I'm so looking forward to getting to know Sandra better and to sharing my experiences in facing challenges, healing from emotional and systemic physical wounds, clarifying the extent of our personal power for change and sometimes simply surviving until "the thorn in our side" is removed.
Just so you know where I'm coming from, I'll tell you a little about me. I grew up in a loving home. My parents had twelve children and I was in the middle. I had an older brother who tortured me with the typical annoyances of an older brother, nothing horrible, but hurtful. As a teenager we moved to a ward where I was blacklisted partly because my brother didn't want me going to the same parties as him and partly because I had become friends with a girl whose best friend was terribly jealous. When my only friend moved away, I spent the next two years as the brunt of everyone's jokes at church and it still hurts to think of it. We moved but the family of the girl that had been so unkind moved down the street. We were civil and spent a lot of time together but it was difficult. When I got ready to go to BYU, her mother came to me and begged me to be her roommate. I felt obligated to say yes (AHHH! I was a total spineless victim- never be that!) Within a few weeks everyone on the floor of our dorm thought I was Methusala based on the gossip sessions of my roommate and I flunked out of my first year of school.
The saddest part is that I think I brought out the worst in a wonderful girl. It is like when you meet a child that is really ticklish and has a funny laugh, so you love to tickle them because the response is so satisfying. But if you tickle them too much, it is torture. Well, I think I had too many irresistable buttons that upset me and it was so easy to get a response that neither one of us improved by our relationship together.
What is tragic is that the emotional injury of that relationship haunted me for years. I always felt that no one really accepted me and were saying things behind my back because for so many years they were. I always related to the abused and outcasts because that is how I identified myself. And the worst part is that my parents thought those feelings were ridiculous because I had been raised in a wonderful, happy family and been given every privilege.
Today I'm grateful. My heart is filled with empathy and my life is filled with joy. I married a Rancher turned Engineer who is my emotional rock and puts up with all my quirks. He endures the laundry mountains and dirty dishes that get stacked up because I choose to fill my life with creative pursuits or silly expeditions. But with all of that, the Lord keeps sending me challenges. I've had to deal with loss, grief and numerous health issues like CMV, PFS (bad knees), chronic fatigue and fibro myalgia. Yuck. Through friends and those I've served I have been deeply involved with anxiety, depression, suicide, severe abuse and addiction.
So women's health issues have become my hobby and I had hoped my post-baby career. I planned on attending medical school as soon as my youngest went to kindergarten but got called as Relief Society President the day I enrolled in pre-requisite classes. Then I moved and got a part-time job at a local university so I could get free tuition as I pursued my doctorate in Psych, but again I went to the temple the day before I was to begin and felt black inside. When I told Greg, my husband, he encouraged me to listen to the Spirit. I quit and a few days later my sister approached me with a manuscript she was working on. I editted it and it was accepted for publication. She convinced me to send in an old novel that I had given up on and it was accepted too. So I suppose this new path was meant to be and that path has taken me here.
Sandra, I'm thrilled with the opportunity and can't wait to meet all of you.
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