Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Life with depression

Today starts a series of posts on depression, anxiety, panic attacks and the like.

The alarm clock goes off, waking you from the sleep that took you most of the night to find. You rub your eyes and try to stretch, but stretching just makes you aware of how tired you really are. You rub your eyes again trying to clear the sleep induced fog from them. Maybe a shower will help.

After your shower, you rub your eyes again. Must be the steam from the water. Maybe breakfast will wake you up. You stand in front of the cupboard looking for something to eat. You don't want to eat, but you have to, your stomache is protesting being empty. You have a bowl of oatmeal, you hate oatmeal. You used to like food, didn't you?

Teeth are brushed and makeup on, you didn't have to think about them, they are automatic movements like breathing or you might never do them. They really take a lot of energy. You are so tired and just want to go back to bed, but life is calling. Go away and leave me alone, I just want to rest, you have to tell that voice to leave, you have life. Clothes. Pick jeans, any shirt will go with jeans and one more decsion that you don't have to make.

You wipe at your eyes again. Why does everything still look like a sleep induced fog?

Gotta go to work. Paste on the fake smile, the life is good mask. The, I am so blessed to be alive lie. Step into the big plastic bubble that you walk through life in. And wipe your eyes again.

Kids, work, questions, reports, filing, driving, bills, phone calls, e-mails to answer, I just want to go to bed, I am so tired.

Oh, the floor needs mopped- again. You are too tired to lift the mop, you'll get it tomorrow.

Is it time for bed yet? Rub your eyes.

Finally, everyone is in bed and the hotspots of the home are out, you can go to bed. You lie there, exhausted, but sleep is playing hide and seek again and you just cannot find him. Why won't he ever play a quiet, laying in the bed dreaming game?

The alarm clock goes off, waking you from the sleep that took you most of the night to find...


Karlene said...

You have pretty much summed up my life for the past two years.

Anna Maria Junus said...

Been there done that.

Your body is telling you that things are wrong and you need to change them.

You need to change them to survive which probably takes more energy than you have.

molly said...

It can only get worse so take care of yourself. Come see how we are adjusting.