Physical Abuse

When we think of abuse, physical abuse it what usually comes to mine. However, this type of abuse is actually the second most common type of abuse, emotional being the first most common. The amount and kind of physical abuse varies from perpetrator to perpetrator as well as incident to incident. It can be as simple as a slap or push or as complicated as using a weapon. The whole point of this type of abuse is to control the victim. When the abuser feels out of control, violence is used to scare the victim into submission. If the yelling and threatining will do the job, then fine, but if not, then violence can occur. And the harder it is to get the victim to fall into line, then the more the violence will escalate. The violence usually gets worse the longer the victim stays in the relationship.

I believed for a long time that I did not have this type of abuse in my life. I thought that I could just deal with the words and ignore him. However, he would use physical abuse on the children. Again, for a long time I felt that it was just because that was what was modeled in his home growing up and if I could just be patient and teach him other ways it would change. This kind of thinking is common in victims. I didn't see that this was another way of his controlling not only the children but me as well. I took over all parenting so as to keep him from hurting the children. I, essentially, became a single parent until something would make him angry- and we never knew what it would be.

One Sunday we were attending Stake Conference. I was at the end of the row and he was at the other end with the children between us. One of the boys, E, was fidgeting and sorta bugging the brother next to him. I kept trying to catch E's eye to get him to stop. It was not a big deal, but definately not the perfect, wonderful, no problem picture that we were supposed to present to the public. I saw my husband stiffen up and the look of pure rage on his face was something that I had never seen in public before. I remember thinking, "Too bad we are sitting clear back here in the overflow where it is dark and no one can see him." He grabbed E by the arm and whispered something to him. Later when we got home, I took out the camera and took pictures of the bruises he left on E's arm. I sent copies to my parents for safe keeping and gave a copy to my bishop (who just brushed it off).

Another thing that he has done is throwing of things. One evening he got angry, opened one of my drawers and threw things all over the room while he was screaming at me. That was the first time the police were called to my home for domestic violence. I am not proud to say that it occured after 22 years of enduring this type of abuse. Another time he threw my pillow out of the bed when I asked him to please scoot over so I could get in. It hit my jewlery holder on top of the dresser and my earring went flying all over the room. Many were broken beyond repair, many were twisted and bent. And there is one, my most favorite 14k gold studs that I have had since I was 13 that I still to this day cannot find one of. He has never apologized and in fact told me that I probably threw the earring away so I could blame him.

He has taken my purse, my wallet, my driver's license. He has jerked the phone out of my hand, disabled the line, hung up the phone while I am on it, so that I cannot call for help. The night the police came, they told him that that was a felony and he could go to jail if he ever did it again.

Here are some examples of physical abuse:
again taken from the book "Not Another Sarah"

• Kicking, punching, hitting, and slapping
• Shaking, shoving, and pulling
• Cutting hair, skin, or other body parts
• Throwing things at or on her
• Preventing her frm leaving and/or getting help
• Using weapons in an attempt to gain control
• anyting that is intended to cause her pain or discomfort in an attempt to control her.

If you or anyone you know is experiencing these things, get help immediately. (I will address how to help someone you love in a future post)

Again, you may wonder why I am still here when I know what is going on. Again, there is a reason, I am just not sure what it is just yet.

I have had some response from these posts and some new resources that I will beging posting in the sidebar.

Observations

This is going to be sort of a whining post, I'll try to keep out too much of the whining, though.

One of my daughter's friends is getting married next week. My daughter and her other friends are very upset over this. Here is how this played out:

Three of these girls have been friends since elementary school. They hung around together, did birthday parties together, played together during and after school. Then when our ward (church congregation) boundaries were changed, all three of them were together even at church. In high school, another girl moved in and joined the "gaggle of girls" and it was fun had by all. They supported and helped each other through the normal wear and tear of their growing up years. Then they graduated from high school. Not much changed. Two went away to college in a neighboring town and two, (my daughter and the neighbor girl) lived at home and worked and went to school.

There were new jobs, new routines, new roommates, new friends, and new boy friends. But still these four girls spent as much time together as schedules would allow. There were still get togethers and parties and fun times. The last good time, though, was about New Years Eve.

Then it happened. One of the girls had "the talk" with her good guy friend. He felt he was holding her back. He wanted to date her and probably even marry her, but he wanted her to experience life and grow as a person. She wanted to be married before she was 20 (which will be in a couple of weeks from now). She was sad. She was hurt. She doubted that her life plan would work out the way she wanted it to.

She met the new guy at church. This was approximately Jan 3ish. His fiancee had just broke up with him that day. He asked her out. They went out that night. They were engaged 1 week later. And now they are getting married next week. They have known each other for 3 months.

And that is not the scary part of this whole story. He hates her friends. They are not a good influence. She needs to learn to cleave unto him and him only. She is no longer allowed to talk to my daughter and the other friends. He had her tell them, "I know longer need friends now that I have Mr. Walks on Water. He is my whole and complete life and you just drag me down. I am a woman now and need to put away childish things. You (said with derrision) are children and childish. We need no one but each other. Our whole lives will be wrapped up in each other and we will spend every spare moment with each other."

{step one of the abuser- isolate your victim}

This girl is a cute, cute gal. She is a bit quirky, but that is who she is, it makes her endearing. She never, ever wears matching socks. Never. And panty hose- are you kidding me. And all of her dresses are cute prarie style skirts- simple and non fluff, but they are totally her. If you were to picture her, you would see- a gingerbread cottage, but not too fancy, simple and plain. She is one of the most gorgeous girls on the earth, without makeup. Her chestnut colored hair is long and straight, but shiny and under control, with no product to make it that way. A true earth mother. She wanted to be a botanist.

I saw her at Easter when she came to our church meetings with Mr. Walks On Water. Her hair was curled and pulled back in a semi- updo. She had on a cream colored suit dress, panty hose and high heels. She was wearing make-up. She was pretty and well put together. A true garden party, country club mistress. Who is this girl?

And Mr Walks on Water? He looked like he could have stepped out of GQ. He sat behind me in Sunday School and kept up a quiet runnin commentary about how none of us in the classroom knew what we were talking about and he was the only one in the classroom that knew anything at all about the scriptures. He emminated a strong "holier than thou" feeling.

I felt the same vibes from him that I feel from other abusive men that I know. I felt sick to my stomach just sitting by him. I truly tried to not let my daughter's opinion of him color my judgement. If you have ever had much to do with abusive men, be it physical, emotional, verbal, s~xual, or mental abuse, you will know what I mean. You can feel it radiating from them. When I encounter these men, I run as soon as possible and have as little contact with them as I can. I even warn my children from them. Even if I have no evidence to support my feelings- I am almost 100% right. I am sensitive to the auras surrounding them. He had the aura in great big flashing neon signs.

My daughter and I talked about this after church. She is as sensitive to them as I am. She told me that the girl had changed her major because botany was too time consuming. And my daughter could not believe what her friend was wearing. That change was new in the last couple of weeks. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she felt that she needed to act more like a grown woman and that clothes were a needed change. I know I don't wear the same style that I wore when I was 18. It is possible. I keep telling my daughter and the other girls that if this marriage is a mistake, then it is hers to make.

The girls had given this friend a bridal shower on Saturday. Mr. Walks on Water attended to make sure that they didn't do anything degrading or stupid. Mr. Walks on Water told my daughter and the other original friend that he cannot trust his fiancee around them because they might influence her to be unrighteous. These two girls (who were giving the shower) left early.

Monday night it all came to a head. My daughter sent a text message to friend asking how her day had been. Friend texted back "Why are you asking? What are you trying to do to me? You know what, you and neighbor friend are unwelcome at my wedding and my reception. Mr. Walks on Water says that you are evil and vile and he gets a sick feeling when you are around and he also feels evil spirits when you come around us. Do not speak to me again." My daughter cried for 2 hours.

I will not be attending the reception, I do not want to make a scene, but if I were to come face to face with this horrible excuse for a man, I would give him a piece of my mind and I don't use that kind of language. Truthfully, I hope that my daughter and I are wrong. For friend's sake, I really hope they live happily ever after and that she has the life that she believes she is getting. But deep down, I fear that she is trading friends and family for years of saddness, neglect and abuse. I really think that in 3 months, she will be another statistic, another abused wife, another ER visit. I am going to give her mother a copy of the book, "Not Another Sara", because I am afraid that they are going to need it to help them get through the next year.

I hope I am wrong.