Wednesday, April 9, 2008


This is going to be sort of a whining post, I'll try to keep out too much of the whining, though.

One of my daughter's friends is getting married next week. My daughter and her other friends are very upset over this. Here is how this played out:

Three of these girls have been friends since elementary school. They hung around together, did birthday parties together, played together during and after school. Then when our ward (church congregation) boundaries were changed, all three of them were together even at church. In high school, another girl moved in and joined the "gaggle of girls" and it was fun had by all. They supported and helped each other through the normal wear and tear of their growing up years. Then they graduated from high school. Not much changed. Two went away to college in a neighboring town and two, (my daughter and the neighbor girl) lived at home and worked and went to school.

There were new jobs, new routines, new roommates, new friends, and new boy friends. But still these four girls spent as much time together as schedules would allow. There were still get togethers and parties and fun times. The last good time, though, was about New Years Eve.

Then it happened. One of the girls had "the talk" with her good guy friend. He felt he was holding her back. He wanted to date her and probably even marry her, but he wanted her to experience life and grow as a person. She wanted to be married before she was 20 (which will be in a couple of weeks from now). She was sad. She was hurt. She doubted that her life plan would work out the way she wanted it to.

She met the new guy at church. This was approximately Jan 3ish. His fiancee had just broke up with him that day. He asked her out. They went out that night. They were engaged 1 week later. And now they are getting married next week. They have known each other for 3 months.

And that is not the scary part of this whole story. He hates her friends. They are not a good influence. She needs to learn to cleave unto him and him only. She is no longer allowed to talk to my daughter and the other friends. He had her tell them, "I know longer need friends now that I have Mr. Walks on Water. He is my whole and complete life and you just drag me down. I am a woman now and need to put away childish things. You (said with derrision) are children and childish. We need no one but each other. Our whole lives will be wrapped up in each other and we will spend every spare moment with each other."

{step one of the abuser- isolate your victim}

This girl is a cute, cute gal. She is a bit quirky, but that is who she is, it makes her endearing. She never, ever wears matching socks. Never. And panty hose- are you kidding me. And all of her dresses are cute prarie style skirts- simple and non fluff, but they are totally her. If you were to picture her, you would see- a gingerbread cottage, but not too fancy, simple and plain. She is one of the most gorgeous girls on the earth, without makeup. Her chestnut colored hair is long and straight, but shiny and under control, with no product to make it that way. A true earth mother. She wanted to be a botanist.

I saw her at Easter when she came to our church meetings with Mr. Walks On Water. Her hair was curled and pulled back in a semi- updo. She had on a cream colored suit dress, panty hose and high heels. She was wearing make-up. She was pretty and well put together. A true garden party, country club mistress. Who is this girl?

And Mr Walks on Water? He looked like he could have stepped out of GQ. He sat behind me in Sunday School and kept up a quiet runnin commentary about how none of us in the classroom knew what we were talking about and he was the only one in the classroom that knew anything at all about the scriptures. He emminated a strong "holier than thou" feeling.

I felt the same vibes from him that I feel from other abusive men that I know. I felt sick to my stomach just sitting by him. I truly tried to not let my daughter's opinion of him color my judgement. If you have ever had much to do with abusive men, be it physical, emotional, verbal, s~xual, or mental abuse, you will know what I mean. You can feel it radiating from them. When I encounter these men, I run as soon as possible and have as little contact with them as I can. I even warn my children from them. Even if I have no evidence to support my feelings- I am almost 100% right. I am sensitive to the auras surrounding them. He had the aura in great big flashing neon signs.

My daughter and I talked about this after church. She is as sensitive to them as I am. She told me that the girl had changed her major because botany was too time consuming. And my daughter could not believe what her friend was wearing. That change was new in the last couple of weeks. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she felt that she needed to act more like a grown woman and that clothes were a needed change. I know I don't wear the same style that I wore when I was 18. It is possible. I keep telling my daughter and the other girls that if this marriage is a mistake, then it is hers to make.

The girls had given this friend a bridal shower on Saturday. Mr. Walks on Water attended to make sure that they didn't do anything degrading or stupid. Mr. Walks on Water told my daughter and the other original friend that he cannot trust his fiancee around them because they might influence her to be unrighteous. These two girls (who were giving the shower) left early.

Monday night it all came to a head. My daughter sent a text message to friend asking how her day had been. Friend texted back "Why are you asking? What are you trying to do to me? You know what, you and neighbor friend are unwelcome at my wedding and my reception. Mr. Walks on Water says that you are evil and vile and he gets a sick feeling when you are around and he also feels evil spirits when you come around us. Do not speak to me again." My daughter cried for 2 hours.

I will not be attending the reception, I do not want to make a scene, but if I were to come face to face with this horrible excuse for a man, I would give him a piece of my mind and I don't use that kind of language. Truthfully, I hope that my daughter and I are wrong. For friend's sake, I really hope they live happily ever after and that she has the life that she believes she is getting. But deep down, I fear that she is trading friends and family for years of saddness, neglect and abuse. I really think that in 3 months, she will be another statistic, another abused wife, another ER visit. I am going to give her mother a copy of the book, "Not Another Sara", because I am afraid that they are going to need it to help them get through the next year.

I hope I am wrong.


Christine Thackeray said...


I don't know if this would be an option but could you speak confidently to her parents about your concern? "The evil spirits" thing threw me over the top. Creepy. I'm sorry you have to watch it.

Anna Maria Junus said...

This is so sad.

I would suggest talking to her parents as well.

But then if they talked to her, she might allow him to cut her off from them too.

I would suggest talking to her bishop about your concerns.

All you can do is try. At least if you try you can't beat yourself up later about not doing anything.