I confess! I was listening to Dr. Laura the other day in the car. She mentioned how dogs often take emotional cues from their masters, just as kids may be afraid of something because their parents have "warned" them it will be scary. The idea of taking cues from our "masters" and subconsciously mirroring those feelings sort of stuck with me.
We just returned from a trip and getting back into the swing of things has been stressful. My husband has been irritable, short-tempered and no fun to be around as he has had to deal with making up for all the work that has stockpiled while he was away. Yesterday I was so weepy and I couldn't understand why I was so down until I stopped and put one and one together. I was personalizing so much of my husband's stress, just like the dog taking cues from his master.
I thought of teens who get pulled into behaviors they wouldn't have otherwise chosen or women that become destroyed by emotional abuse. They allow someone else to become their "master" and have undue control over what they feel.
I once saw a newscast about a woman who was kidnapped and raped for two days before she was released. The journalist questioning her asked if this would destroy her life but I remember her bravely shaking her head and saying, "This man stole two days of my life, why would I let him steal one more second." She vowed that she was going to put it behind her and live every day she had left to its fullest. For her, she was the master. That type of emotionally "self-mastery" is a powerful gift that we can each aspire to.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
How Much Diet Soda Have You Been Drinking?
By Christine Thackeray
I have this close friend that hasn't been feeling well for months now. It started with muscle weakness with her hands. She would just drop things. One day she was holding one of those small bottle of bleach and it suddenly felt too heavy. She dropped it on her family room carpet and ruined it. Then she began to be sick to her stomach. At first is was just loose stools but soon it was full-out diarhea for week, into months, which made her feel tired all the time.
Then her eyes felt funny. She was worried something was seriously wrong with them. They felt itchy and swollen and soon after she woke up and couldn't see at all. She thought she was blind. It happened three times. She started to get really scared and finally went to the ER who told her she probably had MS. She made an appointment with a neurologist a few months out and then she started having episodes where she couldn't talk. She knew the words but it was like her body was off-line for a few minutes. At this point she kept telling me she thought she had cancer, like a tumor in her brain and was going to die.
From her ER visit they told her that her potasium levels were low. She should eat banana's and have no caffeine. She began feeling much better and assumed it was the potassium until today. This morning her daughter was sick with a low grade fever but no other symptoms. When she called the pediatrician, she asked if my friends daughter was drinking any diet drinks or aspartame products. When my friend asked why, she told her there had been at least four reported deaths from aspartame poisoning and probably many more. In some people it can cause muscle weakness, seizures, lethargy, diarhea and blindness.
So it wasn't the caffiene, it was the ASPARTAME! I know with me that I really liked black cherry Fresca when I first tried it but after a handful of cans, I couldn't put one near my head without gagging. It is incredible to me that this product could be that bad for you and not be pulled from the shelves. I was in shock.
I just want to say that when people talk about many of these health alerts, I roll my eyes but this, I saw with my own eyes. For some people ASPARTAME is a POISON and the fact that two sets of doctors never caught it is scary. How many people feel weak, tired, said or depressed- it could be caused by your favorite drink.
So right now put down that diet soda and swear to me you will not have another- or your children.
I have this close friend that hasn't been feeling well for months now. It started with muscle weakness with her hands. She would just drop things. One day she was holding one of those small bottle of bleach and it suddenly felt too heavy. She dropped it on her family room carpet and ruined it. Then she began to be sick to her stomach. At first is was just loose stools but soon it was full-out diarhea for week, into months, which made her feel tired all the time.
Then her eyes felt funny. She was worried something was seriously wrong with them. They felt itchy and swollen and soon after she woke up and couldn't see at all. She thought she was blind. It happened three times. She started to get really scared and finally went to the ER who told her she probably had MS. She made an appointment with a neurologist a few months out and then she started having episodes where she couldn't talk. She knew the words but it was like her body was off-line for a few minutes. At this point she kept telling me she thought she had cancer, like a tumor in her brain and was going to die.
From her ER visit they told her that her potasium levels were low. She should eat banana's and have no caffeine. She began feeling much better and assumed it was the potassium until today. This morning her daughter was sick with a low grade fever but no other symptoms. When she called the pediatrician, she asked if my friends daughter was drinking any diet drinks or aspartame products. When my friend asked why, she told her there had been at least four reported deaths from aspartame poisoning and probably many more. In some people it can cause muscle weakness, seizures, lethargy, diarhea and blindness.
So it wasn't the caffiene, it was the ASPARTAME! I know with me that I really liked black cherry Fresca when I first tried it but after a handful of cans, I couldn't put one near my head without gagging. It is incredible to me that this product could be that bad for you and not be pulled from the shelves. I was in shock.
I just want to say that when people talk about many of these health alerts, I roll my eyes but this, I saw with my own eyes. For some people ASPARTAME is a POISON and the fact that two sets of doctors never caught it is scary. How many people feel weak, tired, said or depressed- it could be caused by your favorite drink.
So right now put down that diet soda and swear to me you will not have another- or your children.
Observations
This is going to be sort of a whining post, I'll try to keep out too much of the whining, though.
One of my daughter's friends is getting married next week. My daughter and her other friends are very upset over this. Here is how this played out:
Three of these girls have been friends since elementary school. They hung around together, did birthday parties together, played together during and after school. Then when our ward (church congregation) boundaries were changed, all three of them were together even at church. In high school, another girl moved in and joined the "gaggle of girls" and it was fun had by all. They supported and helped each other through the normal wear and tear of their growing up years. Then they graduated from high school. Not much changed. Two went away to college in a neighboring town and two, (my daughter and the neighbor girl) lived at home and worked and went to school.
There were new jobs, new routines, new roommates, new friends, and new boy friends. But still these four girls spent as much time together as schedules would allow. There were still get togethers and parties and fun times. The last good time, though, was about New Years Eve.
Then it happened. One of the girls had "the talk" with her good guy friend. He felt he was holding her back. He wanted to date her and probably even marry her, but he wanted her to experience life and grow as a person. She wanted to be married before she was 20 (which will be in a couple of weeks from now). She was sad. She was hurt. She doubted that her life plan would work out the way she wanted it to.
She met the new guy at church. This was approximately Jan 3ish. His fiancee had just broke up with him that day. He asked her out. They went out that night. They were engaged 1 week later. And now they are getting married next week. They have known each other for 3 months.
And that is not the scary part of this whole story. He hates her friends. They are not a good influence. She needs to learn to cleave unto him and him only. She is no longer allowed to talk to my daughter and the other friends. He had her tell them, "I know longer need friends now that I have Mr. Walks on Water. He is my whole and complete life and you just drag me down. I am a woman now and need to put away childish things. You (said with derrision) are children and childish. We need no one but each other. Our whole lives will be wrapped up in each other and we will spend every spare moment with each other."
{step one of the abuser- isolate your victim}
This girl is a cute, cute gal. She is a bit quirky, but that is who she is, it makes her endearing. She never, ever wears matching socks. Never. And panty hose- are you kidding me. And all of her dresses are cute prarie style skirts- simple and non fluff, but they are totally her. If you were to picture her, you would see- a gingerbread cottage, but not too fancy, simple and plain. She is one of the most gorgeous girls on the earth, without makeup. Her chestnut colored hair is long and straight, but shiny and under control, with no product to make it that way. A true earth mother. She wanted to be a botanist.
I saw her at Easter when she came to our church meetings with Mr. Walks On Water. Her hair was curled and pulled back in a semi- updo. She had on a cream colored suit dress, panty hose and high heels. She was wearing make-up. She was pretty and well put together. A true garden party, country club mistress. Who is this girl?
And Mr Walks on Water? He looked like he could have stepped out of GQ. He sat behind me in Sunday School and kept up a quiet runnin commentary about how none of us in the classroom knew what we were talking about and he was the only one in the classroom that knew anything at all about the scriptures. He emminated a strong "holier than thou" feeling.
I felt the same vibes from him that I feel from other abusive men that I know. I felt sick to my stomach just sitting by him. I truly tried to not let my daughter's opinion of him color my judgement. If you have ever had much to do with abusive men, be it physical, emotional, verbal, s~xual, or mental abuse, you will know what I mean. You can feel it radiating from them. When I encounter these men, I run as soon as possible and have as little contact with them as I can. I even warn my children from them. Even if I have no evidence to support my feelings- I am almost 100% right. I am sensitive to the auras surrounding them. He had the aura in great big flashing neon signs.
My daughter and I talked about this after church. She is as sensitive to them as I am. She told me that the girl had changed her major because botany was too time consuming. And my daughter could not believe what her friend was wearing. That change was new in the last couple of weeks. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she felt that she needed to act more like a grown woman and that clothes were a needed change. I know I don't wear the same style that I wore when I was 18. It is possible. I keep telling my daughter and the other girls that if this marriage is a mistake, then it is hers to make.
The girls had given this friend a bridal shower on Saturday. Mr. Walks on Water attended to make sure that they didn't do anything degrading or stupid. Mr. Walks on Water told my daughter and the other original friend that he cannot trust his fiancee around them because they might influence her to be unrighteous. These two girls (who were giving the shower) left early.
Monday night it all came to a head. My daughter sent a text message to friend asking how her day had been. Friend texted back "Why are you asking? What are you trying to do to me? You know what, you and neighbor friend are unwelcome at my wedding and my reception. Mr. Walks on Water says that you are evil and vile and he gets a sick feeling when you are around and he also feels evil spirits when you come around us. Do not speak to me again." My daughter cried for 2 hours.
I will not be attending the reception, I do not want to make a scene, but if I were to come face to face with this horrible excuse for a man, I would give him a piece of my mind and I don't use that kind of language. Truthfully, I hope that my daughter and I are wrong. For friend's sake, I really hope they live happily ever after and that she has the life that she believes she is getting. But deep down, I fear that she is trading friends and family for years of saddness, neglect and abuse. I really think that in 3 months, she will be another statistic, another abused wife, another ER visit. I am going to give her mother a copy of the book, "Not Another Sara", because I am afraid that they are going to need it to help them get through the next year.
I hope I am wrong.
One of my daughter's friends is getting married next week. My daughter and her other friends are very upset over this. Here is how this played out:
Three of these girls have been friends since elementary school. They hung around together, did birthday parties together, played together during and after school. Then when our ward (church congregation) boundaries were changed, all three of them were together even at church. In high school, another girl moved in and joined the "gaggle of girls" and it was fun had by all. They supported and helped each other through the normal wear and tear of their growing up years. Then they graduated from high school. Not much changed. Two went away to college in a neighboring town and two, (my daughter and the neighbor girl) lived at home and worked and went to school.
There were new jobs, new routines, new roommates, new friends, and new boy friends. But still these four girls spent as much time together as schedules would allow. There were still get togethers and parties and fun times. The last good time, though, was about New Years Eve.
Then it happened. One of the girls had "the talk" with her good guy friend. He felt he was holding her back. He wanted to date her and probably even marry her, but he wanted her to experience life and grow as a person. She wanted to be married before she was 20 (which will be in a couple of weeks from now). She was sad. She was hurt. She doubted that her life plan would work out the way she wanted it to.
She met the new guy at church. This was approximately Jan 3ish. His fiancee had just broke up with him that day. He asked her out. They went out that night. They were engaged 1 week later. And now they are getting married next week. They have known each other for 3 months.
And that is not the scary part of this whole story. He hates her friends. They are not a good influence. She needs to learn to cleave unto him and him only. She is no longer allowed to talk to my daughter and the other friends. He had her tell them, "I know longer need friends now that I have Mr. Walks on Water. He is my whole and complete life and you just drag me down. I am a woman now and need to put away childish things. You (said with derrision) are children and childish. We need no one but each other. Our whole lives will be wrapped up in each other and we will spend every spare moment with each other."
{step one of the abuser- isolate your victim}
This girl is a cute, cute gal. She is a bit quirky, but that is who she is, it makes her endearing. She never, ever wears matching socks. Never. And panty hose- are you kidding me. And all of her dresses are cute prarie style skirts- simple and non fluff, but they are totally her. If you were to picture her, you would see- a gingerbread cottage, but not too fancy, simple and plain. She is one of the most gorgeous girls on the earth, without makeup. Her chestnut colored hair is long and straight, but shiny and under control, with no product to make it that way. A true earth mother. She wanted to be a botanist.
I saw her at Easter when she came to our church meetings with Mr. Walks On Water. Her hair was curled and pulled back in a semi- updo. She had on a cream colored suit dress, panty hose and high heels. She was wearing make-up. She was pretty and well put together. A true garden party, country club mistress. Who is this girl?
And Mr Walks on Water? He looked like he could have stepped out of GQ. He sat behind me in Sunday School and kept up a quiet runnin commentary about how none of us in the classroom knew what we were talking about and he was the only one in the classroom that knew anything at all about the scriptures. He emminated a strong "holier than thou" feeling.
I felt the same vibes from him that I feel from other abusive men that I know. I felt sick to my stomach just sitting by him. I truly tried to not let my daughter's opinion of him color my judgement. If you have ever had much to do with abusive men, be it physical, emotional, verbal, s~xual, or mental abuse, you will know what I mean. You can feel it radiating from them. When I encounter these men, I run as soon as possible and have as little contact with them as I can. I even warn my children from them. Even if I have no evidence to support my feelings- I am almost 100% right. I am sensitive to the auras surrounding them. He had the aura in great big flashing neon signs.
My daughter and I talked about this after church. She is as sensitive to them as I am. She told me that the girl had changed her major because botany was too time consuming. And my daughter could not believe what her friend was wearing. That change was new in the last couple of weeks. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she felt that she needed to act more like a grown woman and that clothes were a needed change. I know I don't wear the same style that I wore when I was 18. It is possible. I keep telling my daughter and the other girls that if this marriage is a mistake, then it is hers to make.
The girls had given this friend a bridal shower on Saturday. Mr. Walks on Water attended to make sure that they didn't do anything degrading or stupid. Mr. Walks on Water told my daughter and the other original friend that he cannot trust his fiancee around them because they might influence her to be unrighteous. These two girls (who were giving the shower) left early.
Monday night it all came to a head. My daughter sent a text message to friend asking how her day had been. Friend texted back "Why are you asking? What are you trying to do to me? You know what, you and neighbor friend are unwelcome at my wedding and my reception. Mr. Walks on Water says that you are evil and vile and he gets a sick feeling when you are around and he also feels evil spirits when you come around us. Do not speak to me again." My daughter cried for 2 hours.
I will not be attending the reception, I do not want to make a scene, but if I were to come face to face with this horrible excuse for a man, I would give him a piece of my mind and I don't use that kind of language. Truthfully, I hope that my daughter and I are wrong. For friend's sake, I really hope they live happily ever after and that she has the life that she believes she is getting. But deep down, I fear that she is trading friends and family for years of saddness, neglect and abuse. I really think that in 3 months, she will be another statistic, another abused wife, another ER visit. I am going to give her mother a copy of the book, "Not Another Sara", because I am afraid that they are going to need it to help them get through the next year.
I hope I am wrong.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Real Friendship!
I'm supposed to be working but a friend emailed me this and it was just too good not to share. Why is it that when your dealing with yucky stuff in your life that some people make you want to rip their heads off and others can help you heal in ways you never dreamed?
Perhaps a little of the answer lies in the following silly couplets of what real friendship is all about.
Perhaps a little of the answer lies in the following silly couplets of what real friendship is all about.
- When you are sad -- I will help you plot revenge against the sorry jerk who made you sad.
- When you are blue -- I will try to dislodgewhatever is choking you.
- When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
- When you are scared -- I will rag you aboutit every chance I get until you're Not.
- When you are worried -- I will tell youhorrible stories about how much Worse it could beuntil you quit whining.
- When you are confused -- I will try to useonly little words.
- When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
- When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy butt, but I'll help you up.
This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'. Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
To me, this sentiment says a lot because real friendship isn't always hugs, smiles and chocolates. I remember hearing about a couple whose baby stopped breathing. They gently lifted the infant and dashed to the hospital, holding the small struggling baby up to the ER nurse. Instantly she grabbed the child and held it upside down, smacking its back and bottom. The baby began to scream and the horrified parents snatched back their child but the nurse realized that was what the baby needed to survive.
A true friend gives you what you need, not what you want. C. S. Lewis said, "We are bidden to ‘put on Christ,’ to become like God. That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want."
It's a real gift to find a friend who understands this concept and is willing to laugh at you and shake you up a little bit when you need it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Blame the Weather
By Christine Thackeray
When I was young, my grandmother often stayed with us. Some mornings she would get up stiffly and say she knew it was going to rain because her knees were talking to her. I wasn't quite sure what she meant until years later when genetics had finally done its work. Now I know what she is talking about. When there is a significant pressure change, my knees swell up like basketballs. After talking to a variety of specialists the best thing I can do, if I like my liver and kidneys, is just put up with it until the next day when they are pretty much back to normal.
This internal barometer has taught me something. For people who are neurologically sensitive either due to genetics or injury, their brains act like my knees. On days where my knees swell, I'll often call friends who struggle with depression or mania and find they are whacked out, feeling either exhausted or extremely moody that day.
Interestingly, it even has a name "Barometric Depression Syndrome." Not much research has been done on this problem but I can tell you first hand that it exists because I've seen it. The last week in Portland it has gone from sunshine to hail to snow and back to 60 degree weather in a single afternoon. It's so bad I can barely walk up the stairs. I've got one friend who is struggling with migraines, another who came over yesterday in tears and a third who can't get out of bed. I keep telling them not to personalize it- it isn't their fault. Blame it on all these freak storms.
In 1979 a group of "brain-dead" scientists did a study of 72 people with severe headaches in the Boston area to see if their headaches were affected by the weather. Based on this single, poorly conceived study there are a group of medical professionals who will tell you that you are crazy if you see this correlation. The huge holes in this study are that Boston is not an area really well known for severe pressure changes- try Texas or Kansas right before a twister and see how you feel. Secondly, if your population is chosen from people who already have severe headaches on a regular basis, they have a different trigger. Finally, there is far more evidence to support the truth. One medical site states that the most common type of headache is due to pressure changes in the weather. If you do a google search you'll find dozens of people who discuss this very topic. Fibromyalgia is also proven to be triggered by barometric shifts. There is even some evidence that SAD (seasonal affected disorder) may be linked to barometric pressure changes. So the next time you wake up feeling off, remember it may not be you at all. It is probably just the weather.
When I was young, my grandmother often stayed with us. Some mornings she would get up stiffly and say she knew it was going to rain because her knees were talking to her. I wasn't quite sure what she meant until years later when genetics had finally done its work. Now I know what she is talking about. When there is a significant pressure change, my knees swell up like basketballs. After talking to a variety of specialists the best thing I can do, if I like my liver and kidneys, is just put up with it until the next day when they are pretty much back to normal.
This internal barometer has taught me something. For people who are neurologically sensitive either due to genetics or injury, their brains act like my knees. On days where my knees swell, I'll often call friends who struggle with depression or mania and find they are whacked out, feeling either exhausted or extremely moody that day.
Interestingly, it even has a name "Barometric Depression Syndrome." Not much research has been done on this problem but I can tell you first hand that it exists because I've seen it. The last week in Portland it has gone from sunshine to hail to snow and back to 60 degree weather in a single afternoon. It's so bad I can barely walk up the stairs. I've got one friend who is struggling with migraines, another who came over yesterday in tears and a third who can't get out of bed. I keep telling them not to personalize it- it isn't their fault. Blame it on all these freak storms.
In 1979 a group of "brain-dead" scientists did a study of 72 people with severe headaches in the Boston area to see if their headaches were affected by the weather. Based on this single, poorly conceived study there are a group of medical professionals who will tell you that you are crazy if you see this correlation. The huge holes in this study are that Boston is not an area really well known for severe pressure changes- try Texas or Kansas right before a twister and see how you feel. Secondly, if your population is chosen from people who already have severe headaches on a regular basis, they have a different trigger. Finally, there is far more evidence to support the truth. One medical site states that the most common type of headache is due to pressure changes in the weather. If you do a google search you'll find dozens of people who discuss this very topic. Fibromyalgia is also proven to be triggered by barometric shifts. There is even some evidence that SAD (seasonal affected disorder) may be linked to barometric pressure changes. So the next time you wake up feeling off, remember it may not be you at all. It is probably just the weather.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Creating Happiness when Life doesn't bring it Naturally
By Christine Thackeray
A few months ago we went to a "Bunko" party. Bunko is a lot like Yahtzee- it is all luck. The luckiest people at throwing dice move up and the unlucky ones move down. It should be a totally random process but surprisingly its not. The same people including my husband seemed to be constantly at the front table and I with a few other pathetic individuals spent the night at the dregs. It was humbling but enlightening.
As we left for the evening some of the people at the last table had great fun, no pressure, only felt they could go up from there, where as one woman was truly upset and felt like she was a total loser. (I'm not going to tell you which was me.)
Too often life is like that night playing Bunko or like the parable of the talents, the lucky people get everything. Why did the Lord give the one talent to the guy that had ten and not to the one who had five. It's like some people just get all the luck- you know?
Last week I lost at the "Bunko" game of life. Our house was supposed to sell, but the buyers walked away last minute. I had a manuscript rejected for copyright and the work to fix it is going to be emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting, and some people yelled at me because I was late to an activity. My feelings were hurt and I was publically embarrassed. The next day I was totally "dish-rag woman"- depression oozed from my heart in its silent blanket of apathy. I couldn't force myself to smile or cry, I just didn't care. I didn't answer the phone and I didn't act responsibly. Knowing myself, I could stay in a "funk" like this for days if I didn't do anything. I was an empty well and it was time to fill it.
SO- (I'm proud of myself because I don't always do this) I did fun stuff all day long! I played Literati on the computer and won like five times. Then I called four of my sisters and gabbed about kids and life and I laughed! I took my son to lunch and then came home and watched a movie with my children slouched all around me. By the end of the night I was so much happier and felt I could at least begin to conquer all the mountains that had defeated me the day before.
The next morning I rolled up my sleeves and called my sister Marianna (who is practically perfect in every way.) We are writing this book together and I wanted to see how she felt about the rejection since I only emailed the info to her (and was putting off facing her because if she blamed me, I would have crumbled into nothingness.) When she answered the phone, she confessed that she was so upset about the rejections that she had spent the day reading the book, "Eclipse" to get away from it and give her brain a rest.
I thought that was totally unfair. She had figured out that sometimes when life is too much to handle, you just need to step back and feed yourself. Wow, she had figured that out and didn't even have to deal with the grumpy monster that lives in my brain. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a grumpy monster in her brain.
Hormonal shifts, neurological injury or illness aside, when our depression is triggered by externals, we need to remember we have the power to change our input. We are not trapped in a single position, being force-fed life. We can sometimes choose what to participate in to bring us back to center, where we can deal with life. If I could do that one thing better, I may never get to the point where I fall apart. That's the hope anyway.
Back to the parable of the talents in the Bible, the interesting thing that does make me happy is that the guy with ten talents and the one with only half as much both got the same reward. It is OK if we do less, as long as we do our best and sometimes that best means taking a little breather now and then.
A few months ago we went to a "Bunko" party. Bunko is a lot like Yahtzee- it is all luck. The luckiest people at throwing dice move up and the unlucky ones move down. It should be a totally random process but surprisingly its not. The same people including my husband seemed to be constantly at the front table and I with a few other pathetic individuals spent the night at the dregs. It was humbling but enlightening.
As we left for the evening some of the people at the last table had great fun, no pressure, only felt they could go up from there, where as one woman was truly upset and felt like she was a total loser. (I'm not going to tell you which was me.)
Too often life is like that night playing Bunko or like the parable of the talents, the lucky people get everything. Why did the Lord give the one talent to the guy that had ten and not to the one who had five. It's like some people just get all the luck- you know?
Last week I lost at the "Bunko" game of life. Our house was supposed to sell, but the buyers walked away last minute. I had a manuscript rejected for copyright and the work to fix it is going to be emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting, and some people yelled at me because I was late to an activity. My feelings were hurt and I was publically embarrassed. The next day I was totally "dish-rag woman"- depression oozed from my heart in its silent blanket of apathy. I couldn't force myself to smile or cry, I just didn't care. I didn't answer the phone and I didn't act responsibly. Knowing myself, I could stay in a "funk" like this for days if I didn't do anything. I was an empty well and it was time to fill it.
SO- (I'm proud of myself because I don't always do this) I did fun stuff all day long! I played Literati on the computer and won like five times. Then I called four of my sisters and gabbed about kids and life and I laughed! I took my son to lunch and then came home and watched a movie with my children slouched all around me. By the end of the night I was so much happier and felt I could at least begin to conquer all the mountains that had defeated me the day before.
The next morning I rolled up my sleeves and called my sister Marianna (who is practically perfect in every way.) We are writing this book together and I wanted to see how she felt about the rejection since I only emailed the info to her (and was putting off facing her because if she blamed me, I would have crumbled into nothingness.) When she answered the phone, she confessed that she was so upset about the rejections that she had spent the day reading the book, "Eclipse" to get away from it and give her brain a rest.
I thought that was totally unfair. She had figured out that sometimes when life is too much to handle, you just need to step back and feed yourself. Wow, she had figured that out and didn't even have to deal with the grumpy monster that lives in my brain. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a grumpy monster in her brain.
Hormonal shifts, neurological injury or illness aside, when our depression is triggered by externals, we need to remember we have the power to change our input. We are not trapped in a single position, being force-fed life. We can sometimes choose what to participate in to bring us back to center, where we can deal with life. If I could do that one thing better, I may never get to the point where I fall apart. That's the hope anyway.
Back to the parable of the talents in the Bible, the interesting thing that does make me happy is that the guy with ten talents and the one with only half as much both got the same reward. It is OK if we do less, as long as we do our best and sometimes that best means taking a little breather now and then.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Why am I here?
When I started this blog back in August, it was a way for me to gripe and complain about my life. Basically it was a pity party blog. I really didn't want to do that in my main blog, because who would come back to read it? So I started this blog and didn't tell anyone. But making it a blog kept me from being too graphic about my life, but it still allowed me to wallow.
Then one day someone found the blog and commented. Soon after that I decided I didn't want to wallow so much anymore, but I did still want to acknowledge that sometimes life is just hard and maybe even unfair. But I also wanted to acknowledge that I could overcome the yucky parts of life, or at least make it through them with my head held high. More people came and commented.
I then thought that maybe I could use my college degree as well as my life experiences to help others going through the same muck. That maybe we could all stop wallowing and hold our heads high, put our hands out to each other and get through this life in the best possible way. But you know how life is, I got overwhelmed with everything and my posting was hit and miss whenever I was so moved or time permitted. I started thinking that perhaps I should find someone to help me. But that is all I did, think about it.
One day as I was reading my e-mail, I had a note from Christine. I had commented on her blog and for some reason it connected with her. She checked out my blogs, saw this one and wanted to contribute. What did I think of that? I cried. The Lord had sent me a blessing and I had not even asked for it!
I told her yes, yes, yes I wanted her help and contributions. I also asked her for time to pray about exactly what our objectives should be. This is how I knew I needed to add her- as soon as I sent her that e-mail and then prayed about it, I did not have a single moment to just sit and be quiet and contemplate the purpose. Every single moment that in the months before were filled with boredom and thumb twirling were all of a sudden filled with stuff I had to deal with right then. This went on for 5 days! This is usually a sign to me that Satan is trying to sidetrack me and stop whatever I am considering. I added Christine and figured I would sneak the purpose contemplation in when he least expected it, then he couldn't stop it with trivia.
So here we go:
Purpose of this blog
To acknowledge that life is not always beautiful, it has some ugly parts to it
To acknowledge that life is sometimes hard, sometimes not what we envisioned
To acknowledge that you are not the only one going through whatever you are going through right now
To lend a hand to pull you up
To lend a hand to support you when you think you are going to fall
To help ease your burdens
To help you find a place to turn to
To help you learn to lean on the Lord or even to learn how to want to
That will do for now.
Then one day someone found the blog and commented. Soon after that I decided I didn't want to wallow so much anymore, but I did still want to acknowledge that sometimes life is just hard and maybe even unfair. But I also wanted to acknowledge that I could overcome the yucky parts of life, or at least make it through them with my head held high. More people came and commented.
I then thought that maybe I could use my college degree as well as my life experiences to help others going through the same muck. That maybe we could all stop wallowing and hold our heads high, put our hands out to each other and get through this life in the best possible way. But you know how life is, I got overwhelmed with everything and my posting was hit and miss whenever I was so moved or time permitted. I started thinking that perhaps I should find someone to help me. But that is all I did, think about it.
One day as I was reading my e-mail, I had a note from Christine. I had commented on her blog and for some reason it connected with her. She checked out my blogs, saw this one and wanted to contribute. What did I think of that? I cried. The Lord had sent me a blessing and I had not even asked for it!
I told her yes, yes, yes I wanted her help and contributions. I also asked her for time to pray about exactly what our objectives should be. This is how I knew I needed to add her- as soon as I sent her that e-mail and then prayed about it, I did not have a single moment to just sit and be quiet and contemplate the purpose. Every single moment that in the months before were filled with boredom and thumb twirling were all of a sudden filled with stuff I had to deal with right then. This went on for 5 days! This is usually a sign to me that Satan is trying to sidetrack me and stop whatever I am considering. I added Christine and figured I would sneak the purpose contemplation in when he least expected it, then he couldn't stop it with trivia.
So here we go:
Purpose of this blog
To acknowledge that life is not always beautiful, it has some ugly parts to it
To acknowledge that life is sometimes hard, sometimes not what we envisioned
To acknowledge that you are not the only one going through whatever you are going through right now
To lend a hand to pull you up
To lend a hand to support you when you think you are going to fall
To help ease your burdens
To help you find a place to turn to
To help you learn to lean on the Lord or even to learn how to want to
That will do for now.
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